Tears of Laughter, Part 2

Life has a way of making you think, doesn't it?  Of taking everything you thought you believed and turning it on its side as if to show you that you can't ever figure out everything.  It's been a rough lesson to learn, for me, but a good one.

I have come to the conclusion that nothing ever lasts forever, and that's not necessarily a bad thing, either.  This world we live in is constantly changing - everything is constantly changing.  Change is one of those unstoppable forces in the world, and that's a good thing, since nothing was ever truly meant to last forever.  Besides, things would be too boring that way.

The important question to ask is not whether or not things will change, but in what direction they're changing, and whether that's a good thing, a bad thing, or just something you'll need to adjust to but otherwise doesn't really have an impact one way or the other.  The clock ticks onward, time is always changing, and the very fabric of the universe is constantly adjusting itself to keep up.

I've been learning to live in today, rather than to live in my concept of what they future needs to be based upon what the past has been.  The world changes, and I need to learn to keep my finger on the pulse of how it's changing, and be true to myself in determining what changes I need to make in my own life to adjust for these changes.  Day by day nothing is static but more a constantly fluid motion into the future, with me coming along for the ride.  It's a strong current, and while I can look upstream and remember things from the past I can't go back there again, and worrying about what's around the corner doesn't do much good for the day-to-day things (although it's always good to plan in case of waterfalls, of course).  I'm better off living in the present moment, enjoying the view as the shoreline of new memories passes by, adjusting to keep myself safe in the current time, safe in my present moment.

Planning ahead too far truly leads to disappointment.  Even if good things happen, it can be hard to recognize them as what I needed in that moment because I'm too busy being disappointed because it's not what I wanted.  Certainly, it's good to plan ahead for things, but time is fluid, and I need to keep my plans fluid to adjust appropriately, rather than clinging to rigid beliefs and then holding on to those beliefs long past the time when the universe has proven they're not going to happen, it's time to let go.  And let me tell you, I have spent way too much time clinging to beliefs that were no longer real, to the point that now looking back I can only laugh at myself and wonder, "What was I thinking?"

Letting go of expectations means that I recognize what I have that is good as good, rather than as "not what I wanted" - and I can thoroughly enjoy living in the present moment.  It's a lesson I have learned the hard way, and a lesson that I do not intend to forget.

My life is beautiful, now.  And now, I can recognize it for what it is, rather than what it isn't.  <3

Quote - Plans

If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.
~ Unknown

Thoughts and Feelings

A lot of things have happened since I've been here, and a lot of things have changed about who I am and where I feel I'm going in life.

I have had a lot of courage in my life.  This past year I left an abusive relationship and I have been on a slow journey to rediscover myself, as well as to rediscover the joys in life.  I am a stronger person now than I was, and I am also a much happier person than I have been in a long time.

I am keeping this short today, but I am writing here because it has been too long since I have been here to write, and this writing is a large part of myself that I had put aside.

Don't put yourself aside, hold firm to who you are, and you can face life as it comes.  I am working towards that, and right now, I think I'm doing a pretty good job of that.

I will write more later.

Quote - Life

Life is mostly froth and bubble,
Two things stand like stone,
Kindness in another's trouble
Courage in your own.

Adam Lindsay Gordon

Quote - Leaders

The difference between a boss and a leader: a boss says, 'Go!' -- a leader says, 'Let's go!'
~E. M. Kelly

Tears of Laughter

My life feels so perfect right now.

I know it's not perfect, there are still plenty of things I could find wrong with it... But I don't want to look, I want to hold on to this moment of perfection and wonder because I know that, as long as I hold firm, this "moment" will never end, and the feelings of perfection and wonder and awe and excitement and relaxation will last a lifetime.

There is something to be said for discovering a feeling as wonderful as this... It is not a feeling of excitement, by the dictionary definition, but it is excitement just the same. It is a sense of belonging... A firm conviction, down deep in your soul, that this is where you were meant to be, this is where you belong, you have finally discovered your place in life.

All I had to do was discover my other half...

I remember on my last trip to see my family, my sister was asking her friends if they believed there was one specific person out in the world, meant for her. I can answer her question now. The answer is "yes," and the answer to the question of how one would know when they have found the right person is simply "listen." Listen to your heart, and the answer becomes obvious.

My life is now underlined by perfect calm... The kind that comes from an underlying strength that permeates your entire life. My strength lies in the knowledge that I am in Love with the most wonderful man on the face of the planet, and he is in Love with me, we were meant for each other, and now that we have realized this our futures are intertwined in a way that cannot be undone, and does not wish to unravel. It is a feeling of perfection, and completeness, and it is both stronger and gentler than any feeling I have ever known... Sometimes it is overwhelming, and somethings it is the strength that keeps me from becoming overwhelmed with anything and everything that is thrown at me.

We do the most amazing things, and we have traveled to some distant places to look at flowers or hike or attend the theater or try a fancy restaurant... And of all the things I have done with him, the thing that I enjoy the most is sitting on the couch, eating mildly-warm pizza, and watching "Law and Order". We have spent hundreds of hours in his car driving to anything worth seeing or doing in a three hour radius, and despite our best efforts we have only finished one of his audio books on tape, not for lack of trying, but because we're unable to keep quiet long enough to listen, we just want to talk and listen the entire trip and don't remember to put the tape in until ten minutes before our arrival. The last ten minutes, of course, are spent discussing important matters like how we never seem to finish a tape, maybe next week we'll try again, and by the way, where are we going next week? Cue a whole different discussion, and the books on Compact Disk sit silent in the tape deck.

I have never felt more complete, more alive, more in love with life, and he is the reason. Wherever he goes, I want to go to. I have spent my life wondering where I belonged, and if I truly did belong, and I finally have my answer. My life has been changed beyond recognition, my existence finally has found a purpose, and my heart is happier than I ever felt possible.

Wherever he goes, that is where I belong.

Quote - Laughter

Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.
~Victor Borge

Freedom, Finally

I have always enjoyed Douglas Adams. His sense of humor appeals to me, perhaps because it reminds me of myself. Not in the sense that I can state outlandish things in a very calm and matter-of-fact manner to make others smile and laugh hysterically, but in the sense that I see myself in his jokes, and they help me smile about even the most stressful situations.

I have seen many deadlines "whooshing" by, felt the stress as they approached, the panic as they passed, the relief that I finally finished the job, the nervousness of whether the work would remain acceptable, the strange sense of release when all turns out well and understanding is exchanged by all involved. Then there are the deadlines that sneak up behind you, never announce their presence, and sometimes manage to sneak past only to leave you in a panic a week later because of a seemingly simple (if you are lucky) or scarily complex and barely started (if you are not lucky) task has slipped through the cracks.

Yes, I have seen my share of deadlines. I have felt them all.

Fortunately, today is one deadline that did not sneak up behind me. I have completed my take home Final, I have turned it in, I turned down the offer of an extension because I wanted it out of my hands and off my to do list, and now my life is more relaxed than it has been in months.

Or, at least, it was until I looked around my room and saw all the projects I had neglected in the process of preparing for this Final. I am going to be rather busy this next week.

At least I won't be bored?

Quote - Deadlines

I love deadlines. I love the whooshing sound they make as they go by.
~ Douglas Adams

Fulfilling Destiny

I know I haven't been around much... Truth be told I have been insanely busy. Whether this is meant in the enjoyable or stressful manner, I leave as an exercise to the reader, although I would honestly say it has been quite a mix of both.

My life has never felt so wonderful.

But with all new discoveries of joy and happiness, there comes pain. New things change old standards and equalities and balances, and while one may know that their decisions are best and moving forward and upward and onward into this brand new discovery of where one is supposed to be is the right thing to do, others may argue. And right now, for me, others are arguing. My parents, to be precise.

But there comes a time when one has to question one's motives and actions, and determine where a certain path is leading and if that is where one wants to go. In the end, it is the final decision of the traveler, not of the observers, to determine the best course. Others may want a travel partner, but why go climb Mount Everest simply because someone else wants your company, when you know in your heart that you are meant to be exploring the Everglades? While the needs and desires of others deserve consideration in the giant equation of future decisions, the ultimate decision goes to the decider.

I am happy where I am, and I will no longer surrender my intentions for the future to someone who has never accepted me for who I was, not even in the past? I spent most of my life in a shadow entitled "Who you are supposed to be" instead of going out and discovering myself on my own.

Now that I have discovered myself, I will not surrender, not for anything. My life is mine, and I will live it to the best of my abilities. I will not give up the gains I have made simply because I am told they are the wrong ones... In my heart I know they are right, I have never been happier, and no amount of arguing or ridicule will take that away from me. I am happy, and I will remain happy, and I will remain me.

I have drawn the line, I will stand firm, I will never back down from who I am.

Poetry - Empty Shell

If I become an empty shell
That is the end of me
No decisions I can make
No future as far as I can see

I must hold steadfast to myself
I can never turn a pawn
An empty, hardened shell of hate
One small crack, and all is gone

Quote - Success

There can be no success without hardship.
~ Sophocles, Greek philosopher, writer, (497-406 BC)