Trials and Tribulations

Time marches on, and there's always something going on.  Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad, and sometimes we won't really know where it falls until much, much later.  Nonetheless, there's always something.

And today, of course, is no exception.  I received a long-awaited draft for a letter.  A draft I approved, a draft that will hopefully be sent as a finalized copy tomorrow, word for word and stamp by stamp what it is today.  And when that letter arrives at its destination, when that truth is spoken and read by its recipient...  Well, then another truth will be known.

I am already prepared for the outcome, of course.  At least, I am prepared for the immediate one.  I am certain that this will turn into a battle, and my responsibility in all of this will be to remain as steadfast and true to the truth as I can.  And by that, of course, I mean that I need to remove my emotional reactions to the fallout from my actual physical and recordable reactions.  I can write about how upset I am all I desire to write, but the truth of the matter is that the letter's recipient cannot witness any of this.

I have my support network, my friends as well as those that are being paid to assist me through this journey.  I can rely on them and vent to them and follow their judgement - because it will be calmer than mine at times and I will need to know what needs to be done.

I am strong, and I will get through this, and I will be okay.  At the end of the day, what is meant to happen will happen and justice will be served one way or another.  I simply need to keep my head up and my eyes forward and keep on keeping on through this ordeal.

I am merely standing up for myself, and I am only speaking the truth.  As long as these two statements remain true, I will be fine, come what may.

Let the arrows fly.

Imagination Station

My imagination is my greatest asset and my biggest distraction. I can let my imagination run away from me, worrying about all the what-ifs, and get stuck in the mire of worst-case-scenario panic.
Or I can let go of worry and choose to imagine all the good in life and what wonderful things I can accomplish in my life. I can put my energy into accomplishing good things rather than worrying about things that probably won't ever happen.
"It's only my imagination" - but the things I focus on can be made real.

Tears of Laughter, Part 2

Life has a way of making you think, doesn't it?  Of taking everything you thought you believed and turning it on its side as if to show you that you can't ever figure out everything.  It's been a rough lesson to learn, for me, but a good one.

I have come to the conclusion that nothing ever lasts forever, and that's not necessarily a bad thing, either.  This world we live in is constantly changing - everything is constantly changing.  Change is one of those unstoppable forces in the world, and that's a good thing, since nothing was ever truly meant to last forever.  Besides, things would be too boring that way.

The important question to ask is not whether or not things will change, but in what direction they're changing, and whether that's a good thing, a bad thing, or just something you'll need to adjust to but otherwise doesn't really have an impact one way or the other.  The clock ticks onward, time is always changing, and the very fabric of the universe is constantly adjusting itself to keep up.

I've been learning to live in today, rather than to live in my concept of what they future needs to be based upon what the past has been.  The world changes, and I need to learn to keep my finger on the pulse of how it's changing, and be true to myself in determining what changes I need to make in my own life to adjust for these changes.  Day by day nothing is static but more a constantly fluid motion into the future, with me coming along for the ride.  It's a strong current, and while I can look upstream and remember things from the past I can't go back there again, and worrying about what's around the corner doesn't do much good for the day-to-day things (although it's always good to plan in case of waterfalls, of course).  I'm better off living in the present moment, enjoying the view as the shoreline of new memories passes by, adjusting to keep myself safe in the current time, safe in my present moment.

Planning ahead too far truly leads to disappointment.  Even if good things happen, it can be hard to recognize them as what I needed in that moment because I'm too busy being disappointed because it's not what I wanted.  Certainly, it's good to plan ahead for things, but time is fluid, and I need to keep my plans fluid to adjust appropriately, rather than clinging to rigid beliefs and then holding on to those beliefs long past the time when the universe has proven they're not going to happen, it's time to let go.  And let me tell you, I have spent way too much time clinging to beliefs that were no longer real, to the point that now looking back I can only laugh at myself and wonder, "What was I thinking?"

Letting go of expectations means that I recognize what I have that is good as good, rather than as "not what I wanted" - and I can thoroughly enjoy living in the present moment.  It's a lesson I have learned the hard way, and a lesson that I do not intend to forget.

My life is beautiful, now.  And now, I can recognize it for what it is, rather than what it isn't.  <3

Thoughts and Feelings

A lot of things have happened since I've been here, and a lot of things have changed about who I am and where I feel I'm going in life.

I have had a lot of courage in my life.  This past year I left an abusive relationship and I have been on a slow journey to rediscover myself, as well as to rediscover the joys in life.  I am a stronger person now than I was, and I am also a much happier person than I have been in a long time.

I am keeping this short today, but I am writing here because it has been too long since I have been here to write, and this writing is a large part of myself that I had put aside.

Don't put yourself aside, hold firm to who you are, and you can face life as it comes.  I am working towards that, and right now, I think I'm doing a pretty good job of that.

I will write more later.

Tears of Laughter

My life feels so perfect right now.

I know it's not perfect, there are still plenty of things I could find wrong with it... But I don't want to look, I want to hold on to this moment of perfection and wonder because I know that, as long as I hold firm, this "moment" will never end, and the feelings of perfection and wonder and awe and excitement and relaxation will last a lifetime.

There is something to be said for discovering a feeling as wonderful as this... It is not a feeling of excitement, by the dictionary definition, but it is excitement just the same. It is a sense of belonging... A firm conviction, down deep in your soul, that this is where you were meant to be, this is where you belong, you have finally discovered your place in life.

All I had to do was discover my other half...

I remember on my last trip to see my family, my sister was asking her friends if they believed there was one specific person out in the world, meant for her. I can answer her question now. The answer is "yes," and the answer to the question of how one would know when they have found the right person is simply "listen." Listen to your heart, and the answer becomes obvious.

My life is now underlined by perfect calm... The kind that comes from an underlying strength that permeates your entire life. My strength lies in the knowledge that I am in Love with the most wonderful man on the face of the planet, and he is in Love with me, we were meant for each other, and now that we have realized this our futures are intertwined in a way that cannot be undone, and does not wish to unravel. It is a feeling of perfection, and completeness, and it is both stronger and gentler than any feeling I have ever known... Sometimes it is overwhelming, and somethings it is the strength that keeps me from becoming overwhelmed with anything and everything that is thrown at me.

We do the most amazing things, and we have traveled to some distant places to look at flowers or hike or attend the theater or try a fancy restaurant... And of all the things I have done with him, the thing that I enjoy the most is sitting on the couch, eating mildly-warm pizza, and watching "Law and Order". We have spent hundreds of hours in his car driving to anything worth seeing or doing in a three hour radius, and despite our best efforts we have only finished one of his audio books on tape, not for lack of trying, but because we're unable to keep quiet long enough to listen, we just want to talk and listen the entire trip and don't remember to put the tape in until ten minutes before our arrival. The last ten minutes, of course, are spent discussing important matters like how we never seem to finish a tape, maybe next week we'll try again, and by the way, where are we going next week? Cue a whole different discussion, and the books on Compact Disk sit silent in the tape deck.

I have never felt more complete, more alive, more in love with life, and he is the reason. Wherever he goes, I want to go to. I have spent my life wondering where I belonged, and if I truly did belong, and I finally have my answer. My life has been changed beyond recognition, my existence finally has found a purpose, and my heart is happier than I ever felt possible.

Wherever he goes, that is where I belong.

Freedom, Finally

I have always enjoyed Douglas Adams. His sense of humor appeals to me, perhaps because it reminds me of myself. Not in the sense that I can state outlandish things in a very calm and matter-of-fact manner to make others smile and laugh hysterically, but in the sense that I see myself in his jokes, and they help me smile about even the most stressful situations.

I have seen many deadlines "whooshing" by, felt the stress as they approached, the panic as they passed, the relief that I finally finished the job, the nervousness of whether the work would remain acceptable, the strange sense of release when all turns out well and understanding is exchanged by all involved. Then there are the deadlines that sneak up behind you, never announce their presence, and sometimes manage to sneak past only to leave you in a panic a week later because of a seemingly simple (if you are lucky) or scarily complex and barely started (if you are not lucky) task has slipped through the cracks.

Yes, I have seen my share of deadlines. I have felt them all.

Fortunately, today is one deadline that did not sneak up behind me. I have completed my take home Final, I have turned it in, I turned down the offer of an extension because I wanted it out of my hands and off my to do list, and now my life is more relaxed than it has been in months.

Or, at least, it was until I looked around my room and saw all the projects I had neglected in the process of preparing for this Final. I am going to be rather busy this next week.

At least I won't be bored?

Fulfilling Destiny

I know I haven't been around much... Truth be told I have been insanely busy. Whether this is meant in the enjoyable or stressful manner, I leave as an exercise to the reader, although I would honestly say it has been quite a mix of both.

My life has never felt so wonderful.

But with all new discoveries of joy and happiness, there comes pain. New things change old standards and equalities and balances, and while one may know that their decisions are best and moving forward and upward and onward into this brand new discovery of where one is supposed to be is the right thing to do, others may argue. And right now, for me, others are arguing. My parents, to be precise.

But there comes a time when one has to question one's motives and actions, and determine where a certain path is leading and if that is where one wants to go. In the end, it is the final decision of the traveler, not of the observers, to determine the best course. Others may want a travel partner, but why go climb Mount Everest simply because someone else wants your company, when you know in your heart that you are meant to be exploring the Everglades? While the needs and desires of others deserve consideration in the giant equation of future decisions, the ultimate decision goes to the decider.

I am happy where I am, and I will no longer surrender my intentions for the future to someone who has never accepted me for who I was, not even in the past? I spent most of my life in a shadow entitled "Who you are supposed to be" instead of going out and discovering myself on my own.

Now that I have discovered myself, I will not surrender, not for anything. My life is mine, and I will live it to the best of my abilities. I will not give up the gains I have made simply because I am told they are the wrong ones... In my heart I know they are right, I have never been happier, and no amount of arguing or ridicule will take that away from me. I am happy, and I will remain happy, and I will remain me.

I have drawn the line, I will stand firm, I will never back down from who I am.

Me, My Life, and I

Yes, I am still alive, no need to panic. Life has been hectic, but wonderfully so.

And I have learned that you're never really living until you learn to trust your own opinions instead of always relying on others. Make your own mistakes. Live your own life. Be who you want to be, instead of who everyone else seems to want you to be.

That's the only way to live at peace with yourself.

Limiting Reality

I have come to the conclusion that not just beauty, but reality itself, lies in the eye of the beholder. Reality is what we use to determine what is possible and what is improssible, what we can and cannot do, who we can and cannot be, and many other facets of life that really have no limitations at all.

We are only limited by what we set as our limits.

Daring Dreams

It's amazing how things work out sometimes. Even when it seems the world is ready to pull you apart and everything you've been trying hard to accomplish starts coming apart at the seams... there is still hope.
Sometimes the direction you've been taking just isn't the direction you should be going in. Sometimes there's a better chance just waiting around the corner.

Don't back down, and don't give up, because you never know what fun surprises are waiting just around the corner.

Slipping Sideways

Life is rough. There's just no way around it. No matter what you do, what you say, what you believe, someone or something is going to try to take that away from you.
But I will resist. I will hold on, and I will overcome whatever they throw at me. I might lose some sanity in the process, I might slip even further than I have already, but I will not surrender, I will not give up, and I refuse to lose.
I will not give up without a fight!

Fabulous Friendship

It's a real great thing in life to find someone you can really trust and appreciate and understand. Even better if that person trusts, appreciates, and understands you, as well. The best friends in life are the ones who accept you for who you are, and believe in you because you are yourself. The best chances in life are the ones to find these special friends, who believe in you and care about you, and want what's best for you.
And the happiest times in life are the ones shared with these friends. There is nothing quite as joyous as sharing the hopes and dreams of a friend, and nothing quite as comforting as knowing you have someone to share your joys and sorrows with.

The Great Gamble

How do you know when to take your chances? How do you know when to take your best shot? How do you know when to risk it all? And how do you know you won't be left behind, alone and hurt once again?
I guess you don't, really, but you have to try. You have to take your life in your hands and stretch outside your comfort zone and honestly try. And the funny thing is, you can actually get rather far by taking that chance, risking a mistake, and taking your life into your own hands.
You never know what you can accomplish until you try. The results can be quite rewarding. =)

Hanging In and Hanging On

Alright, so call me stubborn. I refuse to admit defeat, I have to keep trying and trying and beating problems to death. I have to find a solution, and I will keep trying until I do.
This makes living with deadlines difficult.
I don't take "no" for an answer, though. (Not unless that's the answer I want, anyway.) Otherwise I'll keep poking it and beating it to death until I finally find an answer I like, and can live with. I am terribly stubborn sometimes.
But sometimes stubborness equals survival. If nothing else, it means I refuse to admit defeat, and I refuse to surrender. Might not be the smartest thing to do in all cases, but it's gotten me this far, I figure it's good for a few more years at least. =)

Heart and Soul

I have to say something here, but I'm not sure exactly how much to say, this being the internet and all. =)
Suffice to say I'm having the time of my life, and I don't really remember ever being this happy. Never mind the fact that I'm working part time during the semester, and I'm taking ME7000 Analytical Engineering Analysis which is rumored to be the hardest class I'll ever have to take, and I'm agreeing with it right now...
I should be really stressed out right now, and extremely antisocial, and many other things that deal with being an Engineer with insanely difficult math problems that take at least two hours each, and two grad courses that both assume I've been taught more than I have. But... somehow, for some unknown reason, I'm not.
Well, not an unknown reason for me. Nope, I know the answer to this mystery! I have found a solution, and an answer, and a purpose.
And because I'm such an evil, selfish person... Well, I'm not sharing. =)

The Sands of Time

Time seems to determine everything I can and can't do, nowadays. Do you have a moment to spare? Because I certainly don't seem to, I'm always busy running off to be somewhere or do something or get away from something else. Everything needs time, and you're only given a limiteded amount to work with.
I intend to do all I can with what I've got, though. Sure, sometimes that involves procrastinating, but you don't really expect me to work 24/7/365.25, do you? I've got my work and my friends and my interest and hobbies... I've got plenty to do, and I will do them all. Once I figure out how to fit them in, anyway.
The sands of time can be unforgiving sometimes, if you think about it. They keep moving, and they won't stop no matter how much you beg. But on the other hand, they are quite forgiving about what's already past. They run past, smoothing out the rough edges and shining the past until it shows bright and happy in the sunlight.
Time is a blessing and a curse. It's one of the trials we have to go through in life. We have to learn to live with it, and deal with it. That's all we can do, really.
We have to learn in time to deal with time.

Nobleness of Thought

I think too much, I really do. I'm always thinking of something, even if it's just daydreaming the next few chapters in one of the books I'm trying to write, or how to pay for my college education, or thinking of my own little Universe, or some other crazy scheme (I have quite a few). Some people think I must be a very lonely person since I usually eat by myself and spend a lot of time in my room doing homework (or avoiding said homework), but it's not true. I've got my friends, and I've got my thoughts, and that's all I really need.
Sure, I know most of them won't ever happen, but I can dream, can't I? I can imagine a place better than this one, a world more interesting, and the changes I can make to help this world get where it's supposed to be, can't I?
They're my thoughts, and you can't stop me. I will dream how I want to dream, and I will make a difference.
...I just have to figure out the best way to go about it.

Life's Simple Pleasures

I rather like the simple joys of life, the ones that don't really matter in the huge scheme of things but certainly make things more bearable in the immediate present. What's the point of looking ahead all the time if it makes you depressed? That's no fun, no fun at all.
So stop and smell the flowers every once in awhile. Tiptoe through the tulips (after checking that whoever's tulips they are won't get mad at you of course). Admire the morning dew on a spiderweb or the smile of a friend or the little pleasures of life that actually make it interesting.
Everyone nowadays seems so intent on getting from point A to point B, they don't stop and think about what's sitting in the middle. Which is rather sad, if you think about it, because they're looking to the future and missing life in the process.
So what if you take the scenic route and don't get there as soon as you like - you'll have some good memories! Take it from me, I have a tendancy to sometimes get caught up "in the fast track". I can't sit still, I can't relax, I have to be doing something in order to feel like my life has a purpose.
But you know what I've discovered? My life does have a purpose... and part of that is actually enjoying the time I've got here.

You Did?

If happiness is good health and a bad memory, then I must be really happy. I like to think I have good health. I get sick a lot more than I used to, but that's mostly from living crammed into a dorm I think. Or maybe antibacterial soap. I can't ever remember. =)
And as for the bad memory bit, I have a tendency to forget lots of things, especially stuff I don't want to remember. So I've actually had people appologize to me about stuff that I forgot had happened. Don't get me wrong, appologies are a good thing, but they should be timed to actually occur when they really matter, instead of after I forget they happened. Otherwise I might get upset about it all over again, and that kind of defeats the purpose, doesn't it?
So I mosey my way through life, laughing at the fun and forgetting or ignoring the bad, content in my own little Universe. =)

The Father of Invention

I just found this funny, especially since it really is true, but no one wants to admit it. How many inventions were made because it would be faster or easier than something else?
I had never really thought of it this way before, but it is most definitely true. The lazier we get, the more "time-saving" devices we have. And the more "recreational electrionics" we have, and more advanced, too! You can live a whole life staring at a screen, and not have to step outside at all, ever!
Now if only someone would invent a robot to do my homework, then everything would be perfect. =)