Friday, October 29, 2004

Real Life Testimony

Sorry this has taken so long to post. It's a very personal subject, and it's hard to write down. I think I should, though, and so I shall.
See, this summer was really hard for me. I had a huge arguement with my parents, I didn't want to go home, I ended up staying at a neighbor's house an awful lot in an attempt to get out of my own house because I really didn't feel wanted or loved or appreciated there. I know my parents love me, it's just that sometimes it's hard to realize this, you know what I mean? It's like they're trying to help you through things, they think they know what's best, and so instead of letting you make your own decisions and mistakes they try to force the "right decision" on you.
This summer I ran off the the Doctor without permission (big no-no at my house, apparently), which involved driving on the Interstate with just me and my little set of directions from Map Quest (I'm not allowed to drive on Interstates alone, either). And the Doctor diagnosed me with Depression and gave me medication for it. My parents found out about it when the insurance company sent the information, and I got a real big yelling-at from my Mother. Dad tried to talk to me about it, and to ask why I didn't come to them first (Why? Because Mom would yell. As usual.) and how he's always there if I need to talk. Which in some ways is true, but not if Mom's home because she wants to stick her fingers everywhere. So Dad and I were trying to talk but it got really really hard since Mom kept running outside to yell at me about "Just one more thing" she thought up. At one point she mentioned that she feels that her life is miserable and she fit all the points for people who have Depression and look at her she's surviving without medication and do I think she needs medication? (Note to self: "Yes" was the wrong answer.)
So that didn't work well and eventually I just locked myself into my room, waited until Mom got busy talking to Dad about how stupid I was (Dad doesn't stand up for me, he just listens to what Mom says) and snuck out of the house to run around the neighborhood and eventually went to visit a neighbor. This neighbor has been a lifesaver, I don't know what I'd do without her. I really don't.
So I hung out there for awhile before finally going home. And being talked to sternly again, although no yelling this time thank goodness. Although she confiscated my medication, so I've only used it up until the point when it started to work and then I was abruptly pulled off of it again.
I wasn't allowed to go to a Psychologist like the Doctor said I should (Mom claims this Doctor had no idea what she was doing. Or something.) until finally Mom decided to send me to a family friend since she thought he'd agree with her. (He agreed with me.) So we had a nice two and a half hour talk and he only charged for an hour, which was really nice of him. Then my parents went to talk to him about it, and Mom came to me in tears explaining that she's been miserable at home all the time because Dad's always working, and so she's been trying to make me miserable too. That was really hard for her to say (It was obvious she didn't want to say it, but she felt relieved when she was done and actually told me so.) and I respect her for saying it. She's trying now, and I'm trying, which means that we don't really talk to each other much anymore except at long distance (email and AIM) for the moment, since if we talk to long when we're near each other we end up yelling at each other. But we can have longer conversations in the same room now, so that's getting better.
At any rate, this blog is made up of my attempts to sort out the world at large. I've fallen to pieces this summer, and I'm slowly trying to pick them up and put them back together, only in the right places this time. I've been seeing one of the councellors here at my college, and I'd highly recommend seeing councellors if you have anything to sort out in your life. Especially if the councellors are free. Because she helps out a lot.
There's a lot of things to sort out in life, and these are only some of them. Dynamics is something else entirely, and why when I'm not doing well at something I tend to try and shut down so I can ignore it. (Not a good habit, and really hard to overcome, let me tell you.)
So that's it. That's my testimony, that's why I keep this blog. It's easier for me to sort out how I feel if I write about it. Some of the stuff is interesting, some of it is just me attempting to find my way in this crazy place we call Earth, and some of it is me vs. Depression. And as you can see, sometimes Depression wins, at least for a little while.
Living with Depression (especially without the support of my family, because they're trying but it's hard) isn't easy. It's frustrating, and sometimes you just want to give up, throw in the towel, and disappear. But I have great friends who care about me, and a boyfriend who loves me way more than I deserve (I've learned not to argue about that.), and somehow or other I will manage. I will survive. I have the best friends in the world, and I wish you all to have friends as awesome as mine.
So that's my story, and I'm sticking to it. That's me. Those are my reasons. And that's why if you ask if I had a good summer you'll get different answers depending on how you ask it. Life is crazy, but it's worth hanging in there. At least I have great friends to share it with.
To any of my friends reading this, I want to thank you so much. I really really don't know where I'd be without you guys. I can guess, but I'd rather not, because it isn't pretty.



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