Wednesday, October 20, 2004

Tearfully Afraid

Yes, I am afraid. Things seem to be spinning out of control, and I don't really know what to do or how to fix it. I don't know what to do!
I don't want to be afraid, but I am not used to feeling out of control. Not like this. I am used to planning my path a few steps forward, and I am used to being able to guess where that will take me. I am used to living life walking a narrow line between triumph and disaster, and I'd like to think I've gotten very good at keeping my balance.
But this just throws everything off.
I will manage somehow, I always have in the past... I hope I can still rely on that, because I'm hanging on by my fingernails right now. And I'm getting weaker.
I can't see where my next step will take me. Will I pull things off? Will I pull my life together? Something is going to happen. Will it be good? Will I survive? I don't know. And the not knowing is killing me. I like to know things -- why don't I have an answer?
But stop. Relax. Breathe.
I have to snap out of this. I have to relax. I have to cool off, or I'll never survive.
Stop. Relax. Breathe. Plan. Survive. Recover. Conquer.
But how?



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