Friday, September 24, 2004


Life has been throwing me a lot of turbulence lately, and I've been knocked off track and sent spinning. I think I'm better now, I think I'm restabilizing, but I'm not sure, so please bear with me, and thank you to all those who have been helping to keep me on track. I couldn't have done it without them.
I have a lot of things yet to learn about life. Right now I'm trying to learn that I can't do everything by myself, I have to learn how to ask for help. With me, asking for help isn't so much a pride thing (usually), it's just that when I most need help I'm also in my "I don't want to inconvenience anyone" mode. My "I'll manage to survive on my own, don't trouble yourself of my behalf" mood. And although I do try to reach out, I know they want to help me, it's just like there's a little voice inside that keeps telling me, "Who do you think you're kidding? They won't want to be around you when you're like this..." And I have to learn how to filter out that particular noise, I need to learn to focus on what I know instead of what that little voice tells me. Because that little voice always makes me doubt myself, it makes me doubt who I am and where I'm going and why I exist in the first place.
I am my own worst enemy.



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