Monday, November 15, 2004

Indecisive Illusions

The song below was written by a friend of mine who was kind enough to IM it to me. So I thought I would post it, because in a way it reminds me of me.
One of my big fears in life, believe it or not, is making choices. What if I make the wrong one? What if I can't go back, what if it's irreversible and I don't like the results? Offer me too many choices and I go into shut-down mode. And it doesn't matter if it's an important or a trivial choice, either. I have the same reaction whether the question is what I want for dinner to what I want to do with the rest of my life. I have to think things out completely, and if you rush me I'll just decide not to decide, whatever that decision may lead to. Because deciding not to decide is also a decision. And most often that "decision" means "no."
I have run away from dreams and fears in my quest to avoid decisions. I have hidden my feelings because that was easier than always answering the question "What's wrong?" I hate that question, they mean well, but explaining it yet again makes things worse, and it just compounds the problem. Ignoring is better. Sometimes if you ignore it, it really does go away. Not healthy, but it works. I'm not picky.
And then the refrain, singing from inside:

I'm the hatred

I'm the lover
I'm the thing that you discover
I'm the patience
I'm the shout
I'm inside waiting to come out

That's the real me waiting to come out. The real me that I'm trying to discover. And life sometimes makes it difficult to discover the real me, but I'm trying as hard as I can and as best I know how, and surely that counts for something. After years of being subjugated under the iron will of my mother certainly I'm allowed a little time to find out who I really am, right?

Will you see what I see?

Will you know what I know?
Will you pull it down inside?
Will you drag it down below?

Will I ever realize what I really know? Will I ever really figure out who I am?
I don't know, but I'm going to try. I am most definitely going to try.



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